Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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