i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
