barbara walters just said penis...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
