When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
