K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
