Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
