I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
