Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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