I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
