I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
