curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
