I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
