also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
