im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
