i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
