last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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