No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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