Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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