The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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