This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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