My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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