I molested 6 butterflies tonight
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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