I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
