Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
