Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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