you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
