If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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