ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We need to get me chipped asap
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
