i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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