im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
