Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
