I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
