I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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