i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
