8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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