Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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