If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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