Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
