wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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