so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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