I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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