the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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