I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
