You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
