i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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