guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Randomize
