I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
