Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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