I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
