Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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