I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
