i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
